Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Son - Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad - Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Peter is also my son. That's confidential."
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus and stopped in front of the supermarket. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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A woman is standing looking in front of the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…
I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
